Singing to you from my kitchen...

-S

The Heart of Rogers Park

There's a little joint up in Rogers Park that is now my weekly hangout spot and I'm sad that I only just started going now, with five weeks left here. They call it the Heartland Cafe. Every Wednesday night, starting at ten, they host the In One Ear open mic that I've played twice now. The crowd is full of familiar faces and first-timers and everyone's pretty nice and super-polite to the performers. The acts range from comedy to story-telling to music to spoken word and it's all quite wonderful. Anyway, here are some photos that Heartland-frequenter, Chris, took of me playing there the other week.

-S

In 2010...

I brought in the year with two lovely ladies, drinking continuously and watching Catherine Tate sketches.

My two favourite local bands broke up - Crux and Bare Arms. That was painful.

I played some magical cemetery shows and Jura Books shows with so many talented people. I can't even describe to you how blown away I was every single time.

I saw The Black Lips, experienced Conation's reunion, met Frank and Steph from Gallows, had an awesome dancing session with the Sick Fucks at Garage Nitez, discovered Sticky Fingers when they recorded at TAFE, laughed my arse off at the Graf Orlock show, felt proud when Corpus finally released their EP/album and witnessed some brilliant performances at the first Gaza Flotilla Fundraiser.

I graduated from my audio course and had to say goodbye to the dear friends I had made in my class. We would drink and smoke before class, make terrible jokes, fail classes together, have long winded conversations about all things great and wacky, tease the film students and laugh at everything.

I worked on a music video that did not turn out the way I had wanted it to, but that's okay. I recorded Thylacine, engineered at a number of Blacktown City Council, Bankstown Council and Bankstown Youth Development Service functions and events. Harry and I held a sound PA workshop at Blacktown Youth Services Association. I went to Integrate with Pete and we checked out the Bruce Jackson seminar. He was the dude that used to own JANDS and is founder of Apogee. I was the stage manager at the second Gaza Flotilla Fundraiser.

I was rejected by tens of employees but eventually I started working in a telemarketing call centre for one month and gave up on it. I met some great people there who I will never see again but the job just ate away at my conscience every time I'd sell raffle tickets and know for a fact that only fifty percent of what was being donated would go to the charity.

I worked in a market research call centre which was smaller and probably the best place I've worked. I knew people that already worked there which gave me the opportunity to get to know them better. Millward Brown was filled with artists and students and travel junkies and happy souls. I was only there for three months but I'll be back, motherfuckers.

After working very hard to save money, spending way too much on grog, cigarettes and food, and filling out paperwork that would fill up an entire truck, I finally got on the plane that I had been waiting to embark for almost two years. I flew to Chicago, the Windy City... the Smelly Onion. And I'm pretty sure I had goosebumps the whole time. That's twenty hours of goosebumps, by the way.

I did all the touristy bullshit in the first two weeks and loved it but then I got bored and I had to find a job for real. I had applied for my social security number and got screwed over by bureaucratic bizness. I finally received the card in the mail, presented it to my employer who gave me a hug and said "I was going to have to let you go from training if you didn't have this card so thank you for finally getting that to us". Okay. So now I'm employed at PeopleScout, another call centre. Or should I say "center".

I also fell in love, had my heart broken and am still in the process of piecing everything back together. But that is what happens when you put too much of yourself out there. At least there was a lesson learned. Everything ends. Don't even worry about it.

I've been to basement shows, collective shows, bar shows, house shows, theatre productions, concerts and in the summer, I watched a number of jazz and blues bands play at Millennium Park. I've met musicians, painters, writers, producers... and general nuisances. I've played an open mic and I have plans to play more before I go home.

I've been to Cleveland, Ohio and Madison and Milwaukee, Wisconsin. And the Midwestern adventures on the Megabus will not end there.

I've lived in a South Asian neighbourhood in a bungalow with a couple of Indonesians. And I've lived by myself in an apartment in a hipster wonderland. Next week, I will be living in the same apartment but with a woman who will be back in Chicago after traveling the West Coast.

I have been broke, I have been lost, I have been exhausted. I have been ecstatic, enthusiastic, inspired. I have been drunk, stoned, sick. I have been curious. I have been pretty. I have learned a great deal about the nature of human beings and myself.

Bring it on, 2011. Bring it the fuck on.

-S

Calcium Waste Glitter and Falling Like Icicles

A gigantic smile and hello to anyone that reads this blog. Today I've decided to recuperate because that's what I do and that's what I'm good at. I've changed my schedule to Monday through Thursday, working 1pm to 8pm. It's kind of sucky but super-awesome at the same time because now I have a solid three-day weekend leaving more time to travel. The thing that sucks is sitting in a call centre for seven hours.

Anyway, I have been in the States for over a hundred days now. More than three months, I've been here. I can't even believe it, to be honest with you. It has gone so damn fast. In fact, it's flying by so rapidly that every night before I go to sleep, I sit in bed and dread the day I have to leave this beautiful city. I knew it was going to fast but I didn't think it'd just fly by. I won't miss taking forever to get ready because I have to put a million layers on. But I'm going to miss this place, for real.

As you can see from the previous blog post, I went to Cleveland. That was fun. Everyone questioned the reasons behind why I wanted to go to Cleveland and in the beginning, I didn't even know myself. All I knew is that bus tickets were nice and cheap and that it would be cool to go there because that's where Bone Thugs are from.

After a six hour bus ride, we arrived in Cleveland with our backpacks at some ridiculous hour like 7am. We stayed with a rad dude, Beckett and slept on a mattress that had "AIDS" written on it. Good times. Beckett had cats so I was happy. He also cooked a mean breakfast.
We stayed in Cleveland for two days and in that time frame we went to three very different shows - an indie-ish show in a little house, a punk show in an amazingly grimy bar called Now That's Class and a noise show in an awkwardly large house. Not only that but we met a great couple who were just like "Okay, get in our car. We'll take you wherever you wanna go in Cleveland" which was so sweet of them because they could have been doing more exciting things than driving our lame arses around. We also visited East 99/St Clair (Bone Thugs reference) and I totally made my brother jealous when I sent him the photo.

Needless to say, I had a fan-fucking-tastic time.

I also went to Madison again. The great Kaitlin Foley drove down to Chicago to drop her sister off so I hopped into her CRV after our lunch date and we drove to Mad-town. Of course, we found our friends Kat and Britny after they had a long, rough day curating a photoshoot and ended up drinking with them until five or so in the morning, swapping stories and having one of the most important nights ever.
I slept that night/morning in Kaitlins upstairs room that her mum had tidied up for me. It was really wonderful and cute. Kait and I ended up getting breakfast somewhere because her parents forgot that I'm vegan and made a shitload of bacon which was hilarious. We then drove back down to Chicago where the good soul dropped me home. I really need to start spending longer periods of time in places. But I guess that's where my new schedule comes in handy.

This Sunday I'm going to Milwaukee. Next weekend is Christmas and I might be going to Madison for it if there's nothing going down in Chicago. The weekend after that is New Years and I have absolutely no plans for it just yet. The weekend after that I'm going to Indianapolis/West Lafayette, Indiana for three days to visit my friend Kaveh. And then Daniela from Oakland, California is coming to Chicago so that's gonna be stacks of fun. The weekend after that I'm going to Detroit, Michigan where I don't know anyone so I'm hoping I'll figure it out. And then hopefully Minneapolis or New York City or something... Anything!

Also, I think I've found myself a room in Wicker Park and if everything works out, I'll be moving in December 27th. Keep your phalanges crossed for me!

There is still so much to see and do so I better get off the internet. I don't know if anyone even reads this!

Happy Holidays!

-S

Put My Serve Down on the Clair Nine-Nine

Despite having all of my friends question my motivation to go to Cleveland, Ohio, I fell in love with this desolate city and met some absolutely wonderful people. At the same time, my eyes were opened to the local hangouts and none of that touristy bullshit. That's important.

-S

Got an ache in my gut, and my stomach's alight

I will not discredit taqwacore for connecting me with people that now mean a lot to me. I also will not discredit taqwacore for making me think a little bit more about identity and questioning my place in the world. But it started as a fictional novel, no? A very well written novel, in my opinion, but still a fictional one. I think what took the depth out of taqwacore for me is the fact that people are trying to create this world that Michael Muhammad Knight painted through his words but often overlooked are the complexities (that are actually exposed in the book itself) of such an intense group of people. There is an absurd fixation on being a bunch of outsiders who have come together to unite. It seems like it’s cool to be the different one and have people try to decode your life story. But of course, people get fucking rowdy. Hello, human beings. People get jealous, greedy. People get on each other’s nerves. I guess the media didn't help either with its bullshit headlines and ego-feeding but then again, it's almost impossible for mainstream media to support and go hand-in-hand with social movements that are supposed to create some kind of progression and provide food for thought. Hello, dollar signs.

This is what taqwacore is to me: a very good starting point for everybody, not just brown kids or Muslim kids or punk kids, to explore what peoples' beliefs and backgrounds are and how they align with who they've grown to become. It is a platform for everyone who feels displaced to engage with each other and encourage honesty towards ourselves as human beings. By the same token, I feel as though it should not end there. When trying to discover what lies in our hearts and minds, I think we have to ride every vehicle available towards understanding. Staying within a movement that seems to have become so exclusive, to me, seems pointless. We need to hold a constant hunger in our bellies for unadulterated information and to uncover aspects of the current state of the world that are unheard of in our day-to-day lives.

As for one of my closest friends being in a band that is constantly being associated with the hype, well, they’re kind of in another league. The reason I admire and respect Al-Thawra is obvious: their music is phenomenal. More than that, they represent everything I feel is important in music i.e. honesty and compassion. You can tell they take their time to compose their notes to perfection but it is not contrived at all. What I mean is it remains organic and real but it is well thought-out and skilfully crafted. Of course, to deny any association with the scene, shows, feature film or documentary would be to erase a significant part of the bands development but Al-Thawra are beyond taqwacore and it’s about time they start getting recognised for their stand-alone talents, perseverance and integrity.

Anyway, what would I know? I'm a nineteen-year-old nerd who decided to ditch university, go to a technical college and study audio and then fly away to live on my own here in Chicago. I've never been on a "taqwa-tour" and I'm only friends with a few people that have been linked to the "scene". I arrived too late anyway. It was only just over a year ago when I really started looking into it properly. Most of my friends I grew up with back home were white and I grew up surrounded by Aussie flags and green and gold paraphernalia but I wasn't casted out - I was and still am an Aussie just like the white kids. My dad lets me do almost anything I want and I have a beautiful relationship with my whole family who have always been a part of the working class. I suppose if we're going by what taqwacore seems to have become, I am not even eligible to be a part of it.

The challenges I've come across in my life include making my own parents understand why I chose to wear the hijab; falling into the wrong crowd and physical violence and drugs; being shunned for having divorced parents; the heartache that comes with an influx of deaths of family members and friends; putting up with a psychologist that seemed crazier than me; watching my father get taken away by immigration and detained when I was ten; having my mother move to another country when I was eleven; fighting for my father and brothers rights to stay in the country; having my heart broken time and time again; getting my first job at fourteen to help support my family; constantly being the middleman between my brothers and brother-in-law who have hated each other for years; growing up in the shadow of a beautiful, talented older sister; and moving to another country on my own with no previous experience living out of home.

It may not seem like anything to anybody but that is what has shaped me. No aspect of what I have gone through in my life is taqwacore and I'll tell you why - everything that I have gone through is what everyone goes through in one way or another. What the fuck is the point of using these struggles to set yourself apart from the rest of the world? Being brown or Muslim or punk doesn’t make you a fucking hero for having juggled such identities. We all go through shitty ordeals and learn how to pick ourselves up. We've all felt stupid and broken and misunderstood.

I guess in the same way some people viewed it as a gigantic social movement that would attract attention from all corners of the world, the taqwacore I knew and wanted was a place beyond this physical world that absolutely everybody and anybody could go to, to deconstruct their thoughts and feel comfortable in doing so. I swear to you now, I really am pretty disappointed about what it has become. Alas, like I said, I was the new kid that may not have understood it to its full extent but I sure do feel sorry for anyone who would like to be a “new kid” and suddenly feels as though they cannot partake.

-S

I'll Tell You On Street Intersections...

Two months! It has almost hit two freaking months! In a way, I feel like I've been here longer but I also feel as though I've not done enough. So here's an update for anybody who reads this but mainly for me because my brain is still trying to recapture fragments of my experiences but is struggling to do so chronologically.

First things first, I have a job now. I don't think I've mentioned that. In fact, I've had a job for almost a month now, I think. I work in a call centre. "Again?!" you ask. "Again," I answer. But I like this job. So far in my life I have worked as a telemarketer and a market research interviewer handling outbound calls and pestering people in the middle of dinner. Now I've moved up the ladder and I'm handling inbound calls from people who are seeking employment. I work in a "National Recruitment Centre" called PeopleScout where people call in to either schedule an appointment with one of our clients (companies we represent), partake in initial screening processes and telephone interviews and ask to have their passwords reset for their web applications. You'd be surprised at how many people actually forget their passwords. I also make some outbound calls but since most people don't know how to fucken answer their phones these days, all I end up doing is leave messages in various vocal tones to make my job more thrilling. But not really. I mean, I do play around with different inflections but it doesn't really make it that much more exciting. Overall, it's a cruisy job and at least I know I'm helping people in some strange kind of way. Or maybe that's something I tell myself to make myself feel better about not getting a job in audio. I miss you, mixer.

Moving right along... I had plans to go to DC this weekend with my Madison connection but plans fell through. We were going to go for the Rally to Restore Sanity but all is not lost as they're holding one in Grant Park in Chicago on Saturday too! Good stuff. So this weekend, I'm going to eat vegan soul food at Soul Veg tomorrow night, check out a Neo-Futurists play called Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind at the Neo-Futurarium, visit the Landmark which is an indie cinema, attend the Chicago Rally to Restore Sanity and most likely drink Tecate. It's also Halloween this weekend which will be a real Halloween, unlike the pretend Halloween we have in Sydney. It's going to be a good one but then again, what weekend hasn't been? I'm also trying to organise a weekend in Minneapolis but we'll see what happens.

Now, because I'm lazy and cold and sleepy, I'm going to summarise the past month or whatever it's been since I last wrote a proper blog post. I've:

-Been to Madison and back to hang out with some of the best people I've ever met

-Witnessed crazy shit go down at punk shows, mostly involving grotty traveller kids

-Been to a few small parties

-Looked for apartments

-Discovered the wonders of Grub Hub

-Sat at random bus stops along Devon in the middle of the night

-Met people I just do not want to associate myself with but at the same time, met mad cunts (I'm looking at you, Sahar Salameh)

-Smoked hookah at Alibaba's and Carthage

-Become a regular at The Daily Cup and Kebobs

-Worked and worked and worked

-Had some good days that end in bad nights

Now if you know me, you'd know that my main priority when travelling anywhere is finding some good tucker. Let's just say I love being a vegan in Chicago. The places I've eaten at so far (not just in the last month) include:

-Sher-A-Punjab, West Rogers Park

-Anna Purna, West Rogers Park

-Ghareeb Nawaz, West Rogers Park (would you like some death with that chana paratha?)

-Pick Me Up Cafe, Wrigleyville

-The Chicago Diner, Wrigleyville

-Skewers, Wicker Park

-Earwax Cafe, Wrigleyville

-Bleeding Heart Bakery, Roscoe Village

-The Handlebar, Wicker Park

-Bale Cafe, Uptown

-Lao Laan-Xeng, Madison, WI

-Wild Dogz, Evanston

-J Wellingtons, Wicker Park

-Bourgeois Pig, Lincoln Park

-Wholefoods Prepared Foods section, Lincoln Park

-Plenty of random cafe's and Mexican joints

-On a grass patch beside a bridge on the Southside

Oh hello 1am, when did you roll around? I suppose I should get to sleep now considering I have to make the journey to work tomorrow morning. I still feel as though I've left out a lot but my brain is just mush now. I'm okay though! I'm doing really well and my health has not deteriorated so I am grateful for that and pray that it will remain stable. I do, however, still miss Vegemite. But I sure have found a home away from home here in Chicago. Okay, incoming phone call. Bye now.

Keep it honest, keep it awesome.

Yours,

-S

BIGGER

I haven't blogged in a while because I've been trying to decipher the last two weeks and cannot convert any of the stories into words. Everything that has happened have been heavily aural, visual and tactile experiences that I don't think would make any sense in writing. In my mind, the memories are vivid and they trigger various emotional responses which have led to a few realisations.

My number one realisation is that I am so fucking afraid of being alone. I don't mean physically alone. I'm scared that people are gonna leave the image of my face where they first encountered it and never remember to follow up on friendship. I still haven't discovered the reason behind this fear but I do know that this will ultimately screw me over time and time again, especially whilst travelling by myself. I have really enjoyed the alone time, no doubt, but I'm also beginning to understand that in order to rid myself of that lonely feeling that shakes me every once in a while, I have to assert myself and be a little more outgoing (without the aid of intoxicants).

I've also realised that I depend too much on people and get really broken up when they let me down. I thought everything was mutual but that's a false vision that Little Miss Naive over here has been carrying around in her brain and heart for far too long. People actually suck at showing up on time (or at all) and returning phone calls - myself included! I'm on my own now so lesson learned: Stop giving a shit. Gotcha.

So basically, these are the things I think about when I sit at random bus stops at midnight, smoking and watching empty cabs drive past. I have emotional issues, I know that, but I'm just trying to stop lying to myself. I really am.

Anyway, in other news, I'm thinking of prolonging my stay and maybe going back to Sydney mid-year to start uni. I don't know yet. I'll be twenty by then and hopefully more "mature". Ha!

Okay, I'm going to go check out an apartment now. Bye!

-S

Photos #4

Grid Design vs No Design

This is downtown Chicago...

This is downtown Sydney...

I don't even have anything to say to defend you, Sydney.

-S

That Awful Blow of Enmity is Trying to Stop My Shine

The bizarre thing about the Chicago DIY punk scene is probably not so bizarre to those who are in it or have been in it. I used to envision it as a bigger, more intense version of the one in Sydney. Now while those are accurate adjectives to describe it, there is also an immense amount of social drama that seems to come with it. Each neighbourhood has its own reputation, each style or branch of punk has its own complexities and each generation has its own conflicting ideas. Not one person that I've spoken to has told me that it is a simple community. You see, I may not know of the conflict that happens or has happened within the Sydney community but very generally, everyone seems to work together a lot easier than those in Chicago. I know a lot of people in Sydney would turn around and be like "Oh people only ever watch their friends' bands at shows" or "Nobody ever shows up to the smaller shows" but to be honest, I find that we at least go to shows that may not be completely familiar. We're a little more, dare I say it, easy-going than the Chicagoans. I don't mean to shit-talk (and trust me, that is the last thing I'm trying to do) but having all this animosity surrounding me is just a little peculiar.

"Respect" is a word that seems to get thrown around a lot here. And it's always prefixed with "They don't" or something of that nature. The reason this is so hard for me to comprehend is every time us Sydney kids talk about disrespect or shitty attitudes or whatever, it is generally about or directed at one person, not a gigantic group. I know there a groups and bands that enjoy causing trouble and are known for being arseholes but I've never heard someone say "Everyone that plays shows and goes to Black Wire is a jerk" or "Everyone that hangs out at the Rattler is a tool". Nobody ever says that kind of shit.

Seriously though, Chicago, how did cheating on your partner, starting fights over nothing and excluding whole groups of people become trends within the community? Like I said, I don't mean to shit-talk or judge. I am just confused. I, obviously, wish it were different because it just seems like the norm to do these things and whilst people are still shocked when it happens, everyone somehow just moves on and buries it until the next incident happens where the unresolved past is brought back up again. Is it just me or is that implosive?

Maybe our desperation to keep accessibility to creative outlets open is what keeps us together in Sydney. Whatever it is, we're doing okay and we just need to get better. We all know that venues can be taken away from us so easily and it's definitely not that easy to open up houses for shows (you know, because we don't really have basements) so we've just gotta keep utilising everything we still have and continue to create new alternatives. That new huge warehouse space in Rozelle is a beautiful beginning though I didn't get to scope it out before I left. As for Chi-town, maybe I've misjudged you lot or maybe I'm just losing my shit and I'm sorry if I did but I just think it'd be a lot easier if people would let go of the destructive resentment towards each other.

I'm Stono. I'm nineteen. I come from Sydney and I've probably just offended a shitload of people I don't even know. But these are my observations from the outside in and if I'm wrong, I kindly ask you to prove it to me because it all just scares me a little.

-S

Midwestern Minutes

This (hilarious) photo was taken at Brew Not Bombs III, which was held at the Portage Theatre. It was an awkwardly huge venue but an awesome one. Bands that played included This Bike is a Pipe Bomb and Defiance, Ohio. Needless to say, it was freaking sweet.

-S

Bad Dreams Ruin My Days

Sometimes affliction is brought on by your own stupid thoughts when you're eating dinner alone on a Saturday night. But sitting here, thinking of the Australian Spring and how much I miss my friends is kind of ridiculous since I'm the one who made this happen. I will get rid of these alienating emotions. Plan of attack? There is no plan of attack. The plan was always to have no plans and I guess that is what haunts and excites me at the same time. I'd like to say I'm not homesick but all I want right now is a jar of Vegemite and an impromptu hang out at a pub.

-S

Photos #3

Catching a Breath

It's been two weeks since I arrived in Chicago. Two weeks since I've seen my beautiful family. Two weeks since I've hit the cider at Kelly's with my friends. No, really. I did hit the cider at Kelly's on my very last day in Sydney. I wasn't planning on leaving without a proper goodbye!

Anyway, it's been two weeks since I let go of my dependence and immaturity and decided to face this mental world on my own. But it's funny how life opens up a gaping hole of the surreal and the unknown yet hands you comfort and familiarity at the same time.

It is no coincidence that I ended up here. I know a lot of people don't believe in the cosmos, destiny and all the things the world teaches you to hate but I do. I do because logically, a lot of what has happened to me in the past two weeks does not make any sense but my heart feels its significance. Here I am every night sleeping in a home where the owners are laid back, loving and caring. They appreciate the arts and uphold very similar views on life as me. I cook them dinner and they share their stories and pass on their wisdom. After long days roaming the streets on my own, I come home and we spend the evenings listening to old music on reel-to-teel tape.

Which brings me to the next person that feels like home. After listening to music with my "faux parents", I'd get picked up by a real special person who drives me everywhere and holds my hand. I've never had that before and it's nice. And I don't think it's coincidental. I don't know what the purpose of it all is but it doesn't really matter. He is smart and crazy and fun and makes my stay in Chicago a little easier and less scary. Anyway, this person knows who he is and might get mad at me for writing this but I have to express it. Mainly because everyone bombarded me with questions when I changed my fucken relationship status on Facebook. Ha.

It's been two weeks since I thought I was gonna crash and burn the moment I arrived in this foreign country and despite the countless episodes where I've held my head in my hands and questioned everything, there has been equally the same amount of beautiful moments that make it all worthwhile.

But don't worry, Sydney. I'm definitely coming back because all you motherfuckers have been teasing me about beach weather.

All the best.

Love,

-S

Photos #2

-S