BIGGER

I haven't blogged in a while because I've been trying to decipher the last two weeks and cannot convert any of the stories into words. Everything that has happened have been heavily aural, visual and tactile experiences that I don't think would make any sense in writing. In my mind, the memories are vivid and they trigger various emotional responses which have led to a few realisations.

My number one realisation is that I am so fucking afraid of being alone. I don't mean physically alone. I'm scared that people are gonna leave the image of my face where they first encountered it and never remember to follow up on friendship. I still haven't discovered the reason behind this fear but I do know that this will ultimately screw me over time and time again, especially whilst travelling by myself. I have really enjoyed the alone time, no doubt, but I'm also beginning to understand that in order to rid myself of that lonely feeling that shakes me every once in a while, I have to assert myself and be a little more outgoing (without the aid of intoxicants).

I've also realised that I depend too much on people and get really broken up when they let me down. I thought everything was mutual but that's a false vision that Little Miss Naive over here has been carrying around in her brain and heart for far too long. People actually suck at showing up on time (or at all) and returning phone calls - myself included! I'm on my own now so lesson learned: Stop giving a shit. Gotcha.

So basically, these are the things I think about when I sit at random bus stops at midnight, smoking and watching empty cabs drive past. I have emotional issues, I know that, but I'm just trying to stop lying to myself. I really am.

Anyway, in other news, I'm thinking of prolonging my stay and maybe going back to Sydney mid-year to start uni. I don't know yet. I'll be twenty by then and hopefully more "mature". Ha!

Okay, I'm going to go check out an apartment now. Bye!

-S